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Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.