To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
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genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
I have so many questions.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?