two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
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I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.