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them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Oceanography is all about current events
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no