I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
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The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
i baked you a cake
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing