Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
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55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
#DesignFail
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]