me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
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I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
an octopus is just a wet spider
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.