him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
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wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
A ghost story
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus