My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
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[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
good morning
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Kids: Stay in school.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
A leaf blower, but for people.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.