waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
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How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Never let them know your next move 😂
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount