“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
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me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
How do dragons blow out candles?
same energy
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.