So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
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Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.