[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
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ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.