me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
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Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good