My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
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Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Can’t. Being lazy.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
#Caturday
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.