Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
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If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
bugs when you lift up a rock
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Happy Halloween 🎃
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
They’re the worst 😩