in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
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My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
our love story in four pictures
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.