I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
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Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once