wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
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A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.