next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
You Might Also Like
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
All food is good if you spell it wrong
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
🤭😂
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.