Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
You Might Also Like
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one