*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
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Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.