5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
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I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
step 6: release the wall snake
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.