Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
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Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.