Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
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your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
this is the best day of my life
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.