They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
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“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I’ve been learning to cook.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes