“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
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*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti