My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
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Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
finally
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.