Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
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Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
notice
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
These are my roll models.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
guys I’m going home
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you