Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
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Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
dads on road-trips be like
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.