You saw nothing. I am ham.
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Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Cause of death: Zumba
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.