You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
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WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
You saw nothing. I am ham.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I didn’t come here to be called names
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.