Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
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I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’