I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
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A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Life cycle of cat
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods