wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
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You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I’m putting together a team
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*