FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
You Might Also Like
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?