Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
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If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.