Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
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What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”