“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
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please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me