Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
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Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.