127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
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Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!