If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
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OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
😅🤣😂
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Mornin
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
I’m sorry…what?
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.