doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
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Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Ha.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first