Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
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Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what