There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
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My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
LMAO
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water