My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
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“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
How dude HOW?!
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.