when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
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Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
One of the best
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine