half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
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Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had