All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
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the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home