While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
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Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire